Analytics is a fancy word for stats, really – probably invented by the same guy who coined that catchy “” term.
And analytics can really alter your world view; more than LSD or drinking rubbing . It’s kind of like that time you walked in on your parents doing it. For some, it’s best to close the door and walk away.
But in my ongoing efforts to better understand the , I’ve been looking at analytics, metrics, statistics, and some other things my dad always calls “ten-dollar words” – and some of it isn’t pretty.
You people are obviously surfing the web while at work a lot of the time. The external traffic across my network blew chunks over the HannuChristmaWanzaaFestivus holidays, and today (first day back at work for many of you internet pervs) it’s skyrocketing. WTF? I know the unemployment rate in the States is around 10 or 11 %, but don’t you people have jobs?
You people watch way too much and are putting way too much effort into it. Think I’m a liar and a whore? You may be right, but will really change your opinion of humanity. Just watch it over the course of a day. You know, come on ya puss, you don’t have anything better to do like, oh I don’t know, your job.
Okay try this little experiment if you think I’m wrong. Each night, around “primetime”, flip through the channel and note the movies that are showing. Then look at Google Trends. I guarantee you at least one of the movies (and maybe two or three if you’re “lucky”) will be in the top Google Trends for searches. Last night it was “” – WTF?!? Seriously, what do you need to know about that film. It’s a movie about a dog named Old Yeller, the boy has to shoot him, and you cry at the end. End of story. Not the cure for cancer, just a sappy, maudlin film made to manipulate the masses.
A couple years ago, Wikipedia released their list of top search phrases for the year. In the top 10 were “Google” and “Wikipedia”. Think on that for a minute.
There is an obsession with celebrities, sports, and “controversy” in our culture. This morning I saw two Olympic athletes hawking their “” on CNN on behalf of Nestle Crunch. First, whoever made viral a tech-related verb should be shot. I’m tired of marketing people turning words into verbs – the day that I heard “task force” used as a verb, a little piece of me died. Second, it’s bullshit – they are Olympic athletes who I thought were supposed to be amateurs, and they were on CNN, which I thought was a news network. But there they were, hawking Nestle Crunch while looking like NASCAR drivers in their shiny Nestle Crunch polo shirts, with a Nestle Crunch bar that was larger than ’s oversized-head in front of them, and a logo on top of their “” that said “Sponsored by Nestle”. Between all that and CNN’s crawlers across the bottom I got vertigo. But damn those videos sure are great! She dun did a backflippy right in front of the funny-named guy’s bobsled…hot damn, Ma, this is almost as good as when Junior done won that race….boogety boogety boogety!
And now I’m off to go link some viral videos to some Web 2.0 properties in an effort to synergize their monetization.
In the immortal words of Dilbert, “Welcome to Marketing. Two Drink Minimum.”
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